It has been a whirlwind of a journey these last few months. Finding out you have a cancerous tumor and that you will lose a body part along with the mass, is scary stuff. Waiting to find out if you need to proceed with chemo treatments and knowing you will have monitoring & regular testing for the rest of your life is nerve racking. Thankfully, all is well now. No chemo needed but an outlay of appointments is in my near future. Honestly, looking at it from this vantage point, that was the easy part. The timing of all this really couldn’t have been worse. Kay & I just launched our book and was busy getting the word out there, excited to share our brand of inspiration. But my guides told me it was perfect timing. Great! And if I am really honest, I will admit that I was very nervous and thought that I would not make it off the operating table alive.
Now, I’m no Martin Luther King, but I did have a dream. In my dream, a few weeks before surgery, I saw myself laying on the table in the OR and while the doctors were working their instruments on my side removing my kidney, I suddenly went into cardiac arrest. The doctors were scrambling to reposition me on my back, removing the laparoscopic instruments and clearing my body to attach the AED paddles to shock a heart rhythm. They were excitedly yelling at each other and giving orders on what to do next. Three shocks later, and no rhythm, they called the time of death. My doctor slammed down the paddles and directed the other doctor to close me up, as he walked out of the OR pissed off. End of dream.
As you can imagine, waking up but still feeling the momentum of that dream. Almost half-asleep & half-awake wondering how your husband was going to take the fatal news from the surgeon. My mind raced to all the questions that were piling up...what would my husband do? How will he be able to drive the 5- hour trip home by himself? Will he remember to pay the bills at the first of the month? How will he handle all this? What is gonna happen to my business? And on, & on. I think I finally screamed at myself in my head…STOP! Calming down hearing that it is just a ”fear” dream. I was becoming more awake. Over the course of the next few days, the impact that dream had on me was showing. I told a few people about it. I started to go over instructions to my husband…”you are going to have to close this account, file that paper, notify this person or do that. I also analyzed why my cat was always in my face looking at me or was yowling loudly and running around crazy. Maybe this dream was prophetic? Maybe I wasn’t really seeing the writing on the wall? What if?
And then I had to work hard to let it go. I succumbed to the fact that I was afraid and that whatever was going to happen will happen. I had to have faith that divine outcomes were out of my control. I had to pack, make arrangements for pet sitters and write out bills to be paid. I also cooked. Prepared for the time I’d have to spend post-op held up in some hotel room, miles away from home. I was told to stay away from sick people and to increase my immune system by eating healthy and drinking lots of water.
Being honest, the morning of surgery was paced like I was walking to the gallows. I had been flooded with well wishes, prayers and positive thoughts from many friends and family. I took all that with my own prayers as a sign of hope. I had to shake this feeling of doom. Having family there with us was a comfort, especially for my husband. At least he didn’t have to stay and wait alone. Things were a fast pace once checking into the hospital at 5:15 am. By 7:15 I was in the OR, very aware for a few moments before I was lights out!
Needless to say, it all went well. I had fantastic doctors and nurses and have had no issues post-op. I do have some physical restrictions that will be endured until I am cleared for normal activity. So here I am, 3 weeks later and I am resting…thinking…bored…exhausted. I have little energy and no real appetite. The pain is under control and I haven’t had a pain pill in days. I sleep a lot and have twinges in my abdomen reminding me that I am not healed.
So, what’s a girl to do with time on her hands and no energy to do anything? With my mind processing all the events leading up to this point and analyzing anything in front of me, I have gone down the rabbit hole. It seems I have the proverbial devil & angel, each on my shoulder, talking out of turn. The whirling thoughts coupled with insights. The unanswered questions. The knowing of changes in the wind but not really knowing. Feelings…and life lessons are being processed. Being grateful and in a state of appreciation. All this…a jumble of stuff that is happening. Something big has shifted. I swear I have taken no hallucinogenic drugs but I feel like I am going through a spiritual transition of sorts. My journey right now is traversing this process and allowing whatever comes, to be transmuted toward my higher good.
Blessings are being counted every day. I am taking my time, finding my new true voice again and reveling in the fact that I’m still here kicking it. I am also very appreciative for everyone’s concern, cards, flowers, prayers, healing and patience. The feeling I have now is that a huge lesson has revealed itself and I am completely open in seeing how it all will play a part in my growth. The future couldn’t be brighter. Our book is working magic behind the scenes. Kay & I are moving forward with our plan to inspire and empower others so that they can fulfill their true potential. Each day is an opportunity for me to unveil whatever the universe has in store for me. And for that, I am truly grateful.
Kay Kelison is an established artist, author and speaker for over 25 years.